Me, Myself, and I.

"Cuz i realized i got
Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend"

Best Friends.

I don't know. Me and that term doesn't seem to ever coexist.

In my entire life, I've called 3 people, and a group of boys my Best Friends.

And pretty much every time, I do or say exactly the thing that pushes them away.

Am I really that scared to let someone get that close to me?

We'll see.

-Alan

Hmm.

Have you ever had that feeling.

That feeling where you can feel it slip away.

Feel it fade.

Feel it drift.

To the point where it just seems you can't reach it anymore?

Even though all signs point to things being fine.

It's hard to settle with 'fine'.

Shit sucks.

It feels good...

It feels good...

To be doing well in school.

To not be worried about getting kicked out.

To not be worried if what I'm saying is the right thing to say.

To not be worried that I'm not spending as much time with people.

To not be worried if people get mad at who I hang out with.

To not be annoyed with people around me.

To not be curious on why we haven't hung out.

To not be scared to hurt peoples' feelings.

To not be tripping cuz you didn't text back.

To wake up and not feel like I have to see you.

It feels good...

To be Alan again.

Stop Wasting Your Time.

Escape.

Pop. Pop.

Left and Right.

Who knew?

What a relief you could be.

How soothing you are.

How tranquil you make me feel.

Don't Leave.

Don't ever let go.

Oh wait, no big deal.

Pop. Pop.

sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I didn't take that month off.

Just so that things wouldn't be like the way things are right now.

You're standoffish, you're hesitant, You're cautious

...in the way you speak to me and the way you act around me.

Sometimes I wish you believed me. That I'm over and done with that.

But it seems that you're scared Im going to "fall again"...

So you're standoffish. You're hesitant. You're cautious.

I don't blame you because I'm the one that said it seems likes I always fall.

But Sometimes I wish..

I had done things, said things, and handled things differently.

And now you're leaving next year...

And I apologize I couldn't keep my promises the way I and you expected me to.

Regret.

Errors of commission are easier to remedy than errors of omission...

Basically what I'm trying to say is...

When we do, or say something we regret, often we can apologize, or try again, in a different way.

With things left undone we are left with only the mistake and the missed opportunity, frequently there is no way to go back and try again.

Many adults speak about regret much more than "youthful mistakes." This is why most older people encourage youth to live life to the fullest.

-I have done the things I should not have done,
-I have left undone the things I should have done,
-And there is no good in me.

-Alan

Apology.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't do it.

I'm sorry I can't try your way.

I'm sorry I can't be JUST that person.

I'm sorry I'm 'running away'.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted your actions.

I'm sorry I thought there was something there.

I'm sorry I'm so irritable around you.

I'm sorry I get bothered by the smallest things.

But Most Importantly.

I'm sorry I acted on impulse.

I'm sorry I took you for granted.

I'm sorry I couldn't see how well you treated me.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promises.

Just Doesn't feel the same anymore...

Pretty Much

Need a homie thats the realest.

Someone who wants to find out all that i have to give.

Who can bring me what Im missing

When i talk she wants to listen

Sitting patient, steady waiting

For the day when im faced with

The one that can love me for

Who i am and so much for.

I'm a good man who doesnt got a lot to ask

Just looking for something i can build on.

.

Pretty Much.

.

I feel much love

When i see the technique and talent

through which my friends speak

I get weak

Start catching feelings and thinking about my seeds

And watch my brothers break their back to provide for their girls' needs.

Cuz that's love.

I've seen love make the toughest brethren plead

Begging.

Love will let you overlook all the foul ass shit she ever did.

Love will let you see what ur brothers have, wishing you had your own.

With love comes responsibility especially if you are grown.

.

Pretty Much

.

Australia

Was siiiiiick.

Now I"m just sitting in the hotel...playing the ukulele...watching my Aunt pack my suitcase.

Privileged Not Spoiled. Don't get it twisted haha.

Leave for olympia 2morrow morning. I can't wait to get back.

I am officially over summer haha. Back to routine?

Maybe...Gotta come up with a new routine for this year.

With so many things changed, so many people now gone...it's going to be a site to see.

I'm more excited for senior year living with Morgan.

Butttt for this year. We're both excited to tear the school up.

Cocky Not Confident. Lmao.

We'll see how old relationships play out this year.

You're Definitely Crazy.

But so is everyone.

It's always good to be hurt.

It's not that easy.

Sometimes it makes you feel like you are impervious to pain.

Kinda like there is nothing to be afraid of.

But sometimes you gotta Just Do It.

Jump.

Done Deal.

You've kept telling yourself it was over when it really wasnt.

Now you are finally done. It's over. Now it's time to take that step, move on, and leave it behind.

You've waited for this for an entire year of living in a dream world. Now it has finally hit reality.

Good Job.

Keep moving forward.

Ew.

Haha.
Stop spending so much money. You were broke by the end of Rosewood. Lol. Excited to fly back to washington though. Back to "reality".

summerstart with morgan this week. lol. RECRUITMENT!...let's hope i don't get caught up this year lol.

3 weeks till I move back. There are way too many memories in that house though. I don't like it. Don't really HATE what happened there. But i do highly dislike that everything hits at one time.

Jaded. Perfect word for this one. Nonetheless, I take them for granted. I push to the limits. Not out of the ordinary though. Something that hasn't changed.

Really Alan?

You're really going to settle for the first time?

Maybe.

Be Real.

Haha.

You're a fucking joke buddy.

You gotta learn that you can't talk to them the same way you talk to everyone else.

Wow Alan...Sluffin lol.

Shouldve listened to Judd from Day 1.

Dayng Alan.

Get your act together.

Haha.

Stop living in your dream world.

Lol.

Priorities. Priorities. Priorities.

This isn't the school year.

lol.

Ramble Ramble Ramble.

haha.

From Day 1.

I knew it.

Got em.

haha.

Finally.

Haha.

Summer Baby.

Officially Begins.

Yadigggggie.

hmmmm....

kinda wish.

I could just tell you that I'm happy for you.

kinda wish.

I could just tell you that I'm proud of you.

kinda wish.

I could just tell you that I miss you.

Certainly.

Certainly don't Need anymore.

But I sure do miss you.

What a joke.

Haha.

LMAO!

Now i know that i REALLY don't.

Haha.

I Hella Don't.

......

I Still Don't.

Surprisingly.

......

I Really Don't.

......

I Don't Need You.

Summer.

My foundation.

My home.

My life.

I'm really gonna miss you.

I'm Done...

...With each and every one of you.

Yes. Even you.

I hate how I lost that urge to contact you people to hang out.

I hate how I don't find it appealing to be with you guys.

But what can you really do?

who are you?

who are you?

Who are you to fucking call me dramatic?

Who are you to fucking tell me what I need?

Who are you to fucking tell me to ignore the people I care about most?

I know who you are...

You are my best friend.

I have all the trust in the world in you

But...

Its hard to be ur friend.

I hate...

This.

I hate how you get when you find out that we were hanging out.

I hate how all of you don't get what's going on.

I hate how none of you believe us.

I hate how it has finally taken its toll.

I hate how I cannot take it anymore.

I hate how much I care.

I hate how I compare everyone to you.

I hate how this has become.

Ugh...

...

I'm becoming more and more of a smut everyday.

I don't like it.

Yeah it could be seen as confidence.

But it can only get you so far...

You're a Joke.

I dont think...

...people will realize there is a second blog under my account so I'll just start on this one.

Shit is getting crazy.

Not really though...really somber lately...not really used to it.

I enjoy having things going on in my life, I enjoy the occasional commotion...its just kinda MEH right now...

Don't get me wrong...I love that everything and everyone (for the most part) is chill...but just seems like theres nothing for me.

Everyones got there intramurals, their snowboarding, their girlfriends, their boyfriends...

Im just blah...only thing that keeps me from leaving is Music, and a few individuals.

Specific one...i don't know how they put up with me. There are so many times where i have been a bitch, straight up rude...but they never give up on me...I admire it.

I just need that one thing in my life right to just make it perfect...

It's almost there.